The Vortex

You have abandoned me. You looked into my eyes and you just left me there with my tears rolling down my eyes. You have scared my face, my body and everything that is inside me, that kept my being alive.

I was hurting, and that Hurt grew bigger, so big that it overwhelmed me. That Hurt became the Pain and that Pain became the Struggle and that Struggle became the Scream and that Scream became the Anger and that Anger was in fact pure Pain. A pain so acid, so stinging, so heavy.

That Pain wrapped itself around my body, my soul, my spirit and put me face down the floor.

I was drowning in my own tears, gasping for air and if I even tried to scream for help, it would have taken my last remaining breath. And I wanted to live, because in all of this chaos, that you've put me throught, there was still a tinny glimpse of self-love left in me. Dusty, rusty, but it was so pure, like an ounce of grain, but it was mine to hold and give it to someone who could have helped me multiply it and make me whole again.

I had so much love inside of me, until you pulled it all away from my soul. Along with Pain came Fear. I was so scared, I was terrified of drifting away.
Why didn't you see the pain, my pain....?....you only had eyes for yours.

I became Pain....I became unrecognizable to myself.

How could I have cared for you when even I couldn't take care of myself, how could I have known how to speak to you when I didn't know how to talk to myself. How could you have not understood what pain does to people, what it did to me?  And you knew my soul, better than anyone ever did.
You've just stood there, feeling unconfortable with what I've triggered in you.

Your pain became bigger, even though you were happy, in love and living a complete life with someone New.

You've abandoned me when I needed you to scream...but not at me, but at my pain. You left me laying on the cold ground when you should have put your arms around me and warm me, so I can slowly come back to life, to you, to us.

My pain decieved you, manipuleted you, played tricks on you and you couldn't even see that it wasn't me, it was It in disguise.

Pain transforms a human being to the point of degradation, it shatters ones soul, body, mind, spirit and thrills or bathes in the amount of damage it creates to the person that is kept presioner by It and the collateral victims that succedes It.

You've felt me behind. My reaction to my pain enraged you, because I was turning into a caterpiller that was sewing her own cocoon of fear. And I was doing a great job about it.

My mind was foggy and confunzed and tired from all of the emotions and shocks and blows that just kept coming one after another.

At some point I had no rational thoughts in my mind and almost no warm feelings inside.
I've wished at some point to just close my eyes, fall asleep and wake up somewhere else, in another world.

Seeing you drift away and your non reaction to my pain, my grief...it was so easy for you to move on, like nothing was ever real.

You started punishig me for trying to tell you how I feel, what my needs were, what my limits were, especially then, as best as I could. I was already down, bleeding, aching.

Insted of hearing my cry for help, you added to my grief and started hitting me, like I deserved it, like you forgot how my soul feels like.

You've mistaken my soul, my heart, my being, with me in my Pain. I struggled to wish being alive, to save and protect that ounce of love I've left in me, because you made me feel like I am not worthy of it, of myself, of us, of this world.

You took everything upon you ,but in an egotistic way. You were hurt by my behaviour.  I was so down and you were expecting me to realize what I was doing to you ,when I didn't have enough strenght to realize what I was doing to myself.

How can one ask from someone else to be rational when in fact he has no sain thoughts inside of himself?

The people around me, the ones who truly have seen my soul, my worth, layed down beside me on the floor, they've let themselves be hit by my pain, my words, my thoughts and never left....they've handled me with such care, empathy, love and when they had to be blunt, they were towards my pain, not me.

They've seen me sewing my cocoon, but as I was crossing and tightening the thread, making sure noone enters, thinking that the pain I inflict on others will be a short memory, and being almost sure that if they were to suffer, it will quickly pass, they got scared of what I could have done to myself.

I am nobody to you, so if you couldn't realy see my soul and just lied about the fact that I am different, special and one of a kind, how could you have moved on so fast, turning your back on me and punishing me and hitting me?...when I needed to be loved and cared for by you... more than you have shown me untill that moment.

You've abandoned me, thinking only of how you feel and not giving a damn about my pain, my Hurt, my grief.

If it weren't for the people around me, who learned to speak my language in those moments, who tried everything humanly possible to drag me from the darkness that I was in, into the warm glimpse of light, if it weren't for them taking all the blows, blows that you should have recived, but even in those moments I showed you kindness, I wouldn't be here today.

They've taken the blows as they were the ones who were hurting me, they've handled their pain and mine in the same time, trying to heal what you have damaged in me. They are still here trying to heal parts of me that you broke, not them.  I have days when I want everything to end, thinking that it's for the best.

You broke me twice and then kept coming after me over and over and over again, not caring about my emotions, my mental state and I've told you, stop, don't do it, I can't bare this, I need you to help me get out of my own cocoon that I've sewed for myself.

I screamed throught my pain at you, to come and join the others. You were the one that has seen my soul deep into my core. But you never came, you just stood there, angry at me, for not minding you feelings, your needs. And you knew how Pain can torn someone to pieces.

Little by Little I started transforming into a...sort of....kind of....a fade shape of a butterfly.

"My People" managed to open some threads and I started beliving them, that I am worth something, that they need me, that the world is, in fact a better place with me in it.

I've started wanting to help myself.  I've seen the scars, that this experience has also, left on their souls, because my pain became theirs, but I didn't fully belive that I actually matter to anyone anymore. Evey blow I gave them, every call and tears and endless repeted conversations...they never left, even when I told them to walk away, because I could hurt them, because I couldn't think clear, and I don't wanna be cruel, I don't wanna pour all of the weight of the pain over them, because for sure they will leave too, the stayed grounded, bringing me back to life, to myself, to them.

They stood by me, calling and showing up and picking up so many times and just listened, loving me and trusting me, that at the right time I will rise again from this ashes and break free from my cocoon.
They still believe, even today, more than I believe in myself, that I will smile again, but at least now I am doing the work too.

How could you not feel my pain, how could you know and not care? Who Hurt you so bad, that you feel it's ok to Punish and Hit someone who is aching and is laying on the ground? How are you capable of such malicious behaviour, of such indifference taken to paroxysm?

I took a look once insde your soul, I saw your dark side, I knew.....I felt it once.....but I prefered to think what you once told me, that I am special, and for this reason, I've never imagined that you, of all people, would be capable of doing the same thing to me.

But I still miss you and love you and wish the best for you and hope you can forgive yourself one day and heal, for you are better than this.

You should be along the people who help me heal, what others break....I need you to be among those people...not the person who contributes to my Hurt, my Pain.... .

To be continued...