The Journey

Months have passed and questions remained unanswered.

That is Just because I was waiting for you to answer them, when I should have searched the answers in myself.

It took me a little bit to realize this, but I have come to a compromise with myself. I would lift my head and open my eyes and face the truth that was staring at me all of these years, accept my role in this beautiful chapter that filled a big part of my life and work on myself, with myself to forgive myself.

There is something beautiful in the delicacy of a fig tree, there is something mesmerising in the softness of the lime fragrance, as there is beauty in the untold story of each inner Child that we get to carry inside of us.

If we were to stop and listen to what he has to say, we could spare ourselves a lot of drama.

We are so busy taking care of others that we lose sight of the most important person, who has always been there for us, inside of us, who just wants to be loved and seen, just like we see and love others.
We lie to ourselves, we self saboutage, we hurt ourselves, we do everything humanly possible to run away from the most important responsability, that is nurturing for our inner Child.

He is scared, he needs to feel that you love yourself so he can feel safe inside yourself, otherwise he will rebel against you and start his own battles. Just like you don't care about him, he won't care about you. And you will feel his anger, he will scream his pain so that you will feel it.

You will somatize so bad until you start listening to what he has to say. It won't be pleasant, but it is mandatory for whom wants to grow and experience the beauty of what life has to offer.
Forgive yourself and the people around you, thank them for teaching you valuable lessons, ask for forgiveness where necesary and make things right, if at some point what you have shared was truely special.

Move forward towards the circle of people who are anxious to meet you, people who have also overcame the inner battle that kept them trapped, because they were so deaft to hear the sorrow inside of their inner Child and too blind to see, that the one who needed saving, was him and noone else outside of them.

I am so sorry that you have been so badly hurt as a child, I am so sorry that you couldn't forgive yourself and the ones who crippled your soul, when they should have shown you love, care, support and make you feel safe.

I'm sorry they have only thrown at you bits and half chunks of emotions and for that alone you had to fight and find your own ways, as a Child, to be seen. I'm sorry that they haven't seen your soul, your beauty. They still can't see it and I know they never will.

You have put such effort into being seen with no results, that you grew up not seeing, what sense does it make to put effort if the result is always the same.

You grew up building the strongest defense mechanisms and somewhere along the way you stopped.
You've understood that effort equals zero results and gave up on yourself. You waited for the others to do all the work with you, giving them the bare minimum, nothing more, nothing less.

You have shutdown, shut yourself away from all possible pain, disappointment, disconfort that you thought you might experience. You got stuck and forgot that for something beautiful to last you need to do the work too. First with yourself, so you can relearn how to distinguish half love bits from complete love.

The efforts have to come both ways. When you felt, you wanted to run away from what you thought it is to unbearable for you to carry, that should have been the moment when you had to run full speed through it and fight with yourself and ask yourself questions like: "Am I doing something too for the situation I've created?" and if so "What can I really do to change it?"

You should have trusted that there are people out there who could have helped you heal and embrace what God has sent you. I'm sorry that you couldn't see that God has sent you a beautiful family and a beautiful extended family. God has sent you the mother you never had, a brother you never had and a family of your own. I'm sorry you did to them what the bad people did to you when you were just a child. I just hope one day you realize what you actually had inside your soul, but chose to walk away from.

God gave you everything you lacked growing up, but the work was yours to carry on and pull through, not mine, not His, but yours.

God can only do so much, He always hears our struggles as children, as human beings, but the responsability is ours, to put in the effort, to make the best of His gifts.

You can't let the other fight alone, you fight together.

It was a beautiful journey. For me the roads are starting to become more clear each day.

I hope you find your way and realize that even if you got lost along the way, Home is not a place, Home is inside of you. Then and only then you will understand that a house can't become a Home if you haven't found your own way back to you.

Until then it is just another place you run towards to hide from yourself.

To be continued....